With just a few additions to your home bar, you can make these on-trend cocktails for you and your friends... but probably just for you.
• 2 ounces cask-strength Scotch
• 1 teaspoon Demerara or raw sugar
• 1 piece lemon peel
Mix first two ingredients in a mug (metal is best, to prevent general immolation). Add lemon peel as garnish. Carefully ignite. Watch it burn. When it is done, you have nothing.
• 1 shiny penny
• 1 bottle Cristal champagne
• 1 whole lobster
Flip coin 100 times. If it is either heads or tails 99 times, serve yourself the Cristal in the finest stemware, garnished with the whole lobster. If not, live in a tent under an overpass.
Pacific Garbage Patch
• One Long Island iced tea
• 117 plastic straws
Serve Long Island iced tea with battery of straws. Discard straw after each sip.
• 11⁄2 oz. vodka
• 1⁄4 oz. cranberry juice •1⁄4 oz. triple sec
• 1⁄4 oz. lime juice
• 1 lime wedge
With first four ingredients, prepare Cosmopolitan. Garnish with lime. Throw against wall. Call lawyer, therapist, Mom.
• 1 pint of your city’s most difficult-to-obtain boutique craft beer
Drink slowly, preferably in overpriced urban outdoor beer garden, while patiently yet passive-aggressively explaining exactly what is wrong with the outlook of those around you. Repeat until you “feel seen.”
He Who Shall Not Be Named
• Misc. liquor/liqueur
• One large bag Cheetos
Initiate news blackout. Pour an inch or two (or three) of each available liquor/liqueur into pint glass, jar, or any other receptacle. Lack wherewithal to stir, much less shake. Drink accompanied by Netflix and entire bag of Cheetos, eaten one by one while studiously avoiding looking at them, lest any be anthropomorphic.
• One large ice cube, carved into sphere
• 18 oz. gin
Set ice aside. Drink room-temperature gin slowly while feeling helpless. Try not to picture a polar bear swimming and swimming and swimming because there is nowhere to go.
•1 nation, divided
•1 ascendant demagogue
•1 fresh alliance of dictators
•Sprinkling of military parades
Shake first three ingredients well. Garnish with militarism. Serve in a pit of despair.