’Sup, nerds? It’s Wednesday—New Comic Book Day!—time to open a fresh pillow-sized bag of chorizo ’n’ cheese billy-clubs and check out this week’s hot picks!

First up is Monopoly Comics #1000, a special, bumper-sized anniversary issue that contains a thousand one-panel tales featuring their most obscure characters in order to retain copyright in perpetuity. “Golly gosh! It’s a glorious grab-bag of gorgeous greatness ghat’ll grab gou gy ghe gall-bladder!” boasts publisher, Dashing Dan ‘Da Don’ Dizney. Thrill as the All-Wingnuts Squad fight HUAC, the Living Committee! Gasp as you read such soon-to-be-forgotten classics as Where Lurks... The Lunk?, If This Be...Monday! and Baloney Fights Alone! Wheeze so badly you’ll need an inhaler when you witness the return of beloved western heroes like The Ten-Gun Kid, The Gun Control Kid and The Nevada Nuclear Testing Ground Kid. My favorite story? The long-teased team-up of near-sighted legal stenographer, Peggy Page, the Co-worker without Peer, and Patsy Porker, Nit Nurse, as they take on The Alliterator and Ttt! The Terrible Typo (last seen in Dentures on the Loose #32). You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll grind your teeth when you see the price!

Not to be outdone, rival publisher, Desperate Comics, immediately killed off all their characters, cancelled their entire line and published a $19.99 Prestige Format special with no pages in it.

IP Farm is an exciting new imprint based in various tax havens dotted across the Caribbean. Editor Lester Dodgy, told us, “We found a box of damp old comics in the basement that didn’t belong to anyone, so here we are.” IPF promise an interconnected universe that includes The Tricorn Hat, Stoopid McDoopid, Blonde Dame in a Swimsuit, The Fightin’ Ukrainian and Dope Fiends Tell it Like it Is! “Wait’ll ya see what I’ve cooked up for ’em!” said IPF’s lawyer, Mort Wriggler. “And my nephew’s art’ll blow yer socks off! It’ll make a terrific movie or maybe a series on Nutflux or Amazon Dire—whoever pays us the most!”

The Pocket is the latest book from four-colour wunderkind, Bob Blofeld, who you may recall quit Monopoly Comics, aged 12, to form Indifferent Comics with disaffected pros like gravel-voiced, .45-wielding writer-artist, Frank Spillane. Says Bob, “The Pocket is about this guy who finds a pocket in his pants that he didn’t know he had and when he reaches into it he finds it’s full of guns, candy bars, pictures of girls and other cool stuff. Neat, huh?” Sure is, Bob! And speaking of Frank Spillane, his controversial new graphic novel, Barfbag, has just been solicited. “Have you ever seen a sucking gut wound? Heard a human lung whistle as it slowly deflates?” he rasped over the phone from a gated seniors community in Orange County. “Well, that’s what it’s like here.”

Congrats to Jimmy Humdinger for self-publishing the millionth issue of Scary Clown, a character he cocreated with his mom when he was 3 months old! All your old 90’s favourites—Bloodpony, Bloodpuppy and Bloodmom—guest-star in an 80-page epic called “I Don’t Like Puppets, No.”

And, finally, some sad news. Anarchic humour mag, The National Spittoon, has shut shop after 126 years. Editor, Bill Soused, said, “We tried hard to stay relevant—the April issue had a free Beatles wig and some itching powder—but tastes are changing and our nails and hair are so long now that they keep getting caught in the typewriter ribbon.” The Spittoon’s final issue includes hilarious send-ups of The Manchurian Candidate and the Cuban Missile Crisis along with regular strips like The Zany Adventures of Abe Lincoln and Faceless United Fruit Company Employee Vs Faceless United Fruit Company Employee—all written and drawn by “The Usual Ol’ Bunch of Bastards.”

“The publisher stole our clothes and imprisoned us, but we’re no longer ashamed of our nekkidness!” cackled Bill manically, as he slid down a makeshift rope woven from the beard of an assistant editor and disappeared, typewriter tucked beneath his arm, into the sewer system of Yonkers, NY. The cover, as ever, features their snaggle-toothed mascot, Newt Gingrich.

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