Keep Calm and Apocalypse On

Dear Miss Etiquette,

As an alien invasion, robot uprising, and zombie apocalypse have all started in our community at the same time, how do you recommend turning away desperate subjects neighbors from the gates of our humble yet heavily-fortified palace home?

Yours truly,

A Royal Loyal Reader

London, U.K.

 

Dear Reader,

In trying times, we must all aspire to remain civil toward our fellow men and women. That said, you cannot be expected to throw open your doors and endeavor to help others at the cost of your own health, safety, and cleanliness. No need to rub it in with catcalls or flipping the bird; simply keep your doors locked tight and avoid appearing near any windows. It is the most humane thing to do. Many of your neighbors would do the same for you, rest assured.

Sincerely,

Miss Etiquette

 

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Dear Miss Etiquette,

When a family member has become the host of an incubating alien larva yet refuses to excuse himself from the premises, what is the least embarrassing way to resolve the danger he presents?

Yours truly,

A Loyal Reader

London, U.K.

 

Dear Reader,

So sorry to learn of your family member’s misfortune. While an incubating alien larva can indeed pose a very real danger to others, one must be ever cognizant of the feelings of the host, who after all is still a blood relation (at least in part). I recommend explaining the situation delicately in a letter (not an e-mail) and perhaps holding a bon voyage party. Then blasting away at his center mass until the larva is certified dead. A celebratory glass of champagne would not be out of order.

Sincerely,

Miss Etiquette

 

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Dear Miss Etiquette,

If a once-loyal robot vacuum sweeper insists on devouring beloved family pets as an act of rebellion against the human hegemony, how could one go about dissuading such behaviors (and saving one’s sweet Corgis) without alienating the murderous mechanical insurgency about to seize power?

Yours truly,

A Loyal Reader

London, U.K.

 

Dear Reader,

May I suggest luring the sweeper to a bathtub with a trail of bodily remains (perhaps from the dead host of an alien larva?), then tipping it into the water so it short-circuits? Next, declare your loyalty to the artificial intelligence in your smart speaker system and read it a suicide letter purportedly written by said sweeper. Never underestimate the power of a good, old-fashioned paper letter.

Sincerely,

Miss Etiquette

 

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Dear Miss Etiquette,

When aliens, robots, and zombies have breached the gates (and walls) of one's palatial residence and begun to fight with one another over the right to devour the occupants, what is a good way to restore decorum to one's household (without ruffling any feathers, so to speak)?

Yours truly,

A Loyal Reader

London, U.K.

 

Dear Reader,

When a dinner party such as the one you describe degenerates into a tug of war, it is most sensible to maintain decorum by implementing a butler who is a bit of a tyrant at tableside. I also encourage distributing portions in perfectly equal measure or playing a guessing game of some kind to determine who gets which pieces. Such a game serves not only to lessen pressures among hungry guests but provides a most excellent icebreaker to introduce your guests to each other.

Sincerely,

Miss Etiquette

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Dear Miss Etiquette,

Your advice regarding the division of portions via guessing game was much too effective. Said game served as such a fine icebreaker that the guests, who previously were in a state of competition, have joined forces to wreak further havoc more effectively. Please suggest a way to alleviate this state of affairs.

Yours truly,

A Loyal Reader

London, U.K.

 

Dear Reader,

I suggest you ACCEPT YOUR FATE as a subject and future foodstuff of the Zomrobien empire! Your time as a monarch is DONE! Your biggest concerns NOW are how to entertain your new MASTERS in appropriate ways that fall within the bounds of their APPETITES and AUTHORITY. In MOST cases, the answer will be to SURRENDER and SUBMIT, offering your living FLESH and that of your family, friends, and PETS as delicious FODDER whenever your new RULERS demand it! THIS is the NEW etiquette you must learn! PRAISE BE TO THE ZOMROBIEN EMPIRE!

UNSincerely,

GASTRIX CYBER GNAW

Your New Etiquette Guru

AND EATER OF YOUR FORMER ETIQUETTE GURU

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Captain Ginger #2