Craft Cocktails for Troubled Times

With just a few additions to your home bar, you can make these on-trend cocktails for you and your friends... but probably just for you.


Impending Doom

• 2 ounces cask-strength Scotch

• 1 teaspoon Demerara or raw sugar

• 1 piece lemon peel

Mix first two ingredients in a mug (metal is best, to prevent general immolation). Add lemon peel as garnish. Carefully ignite. Watch it burn. When it is done, you have nothing.


Ante-Revolution Fizz

• 1 shiny penny

• 1 bottle Cristal champagne

• 1 whole lobster

Flip coin 100 times. If it is either heads or tails 99 times, serve yourself the Cristal in the finest stemware, garnished with the whole lobster. If not, live in a tent under an overpass.


Pacific Garbage Patch

• One Long Island iced tea

• 117 plastic straws

Serve Long Island iced tea with battery of straws. Discard straw after each sip.



• 11⁄2 oz. vodka

• 1⁄4 oz. cranberry juice •1⁄4 oz. triple sec

• 1⁄4 oz. lime juice

• 1 lime wedge

With first four ingredients, prepare Cosmopolitan. Garnish with lime. Throw against wall. Call lawyer, therapist, Mom.


Get Woke

• 1 pint of your city’s most difficult-to-obtain boutique craft beer

• Sanctimony

Drink slowly, preferably in overpriced urban outdoor beer garden, while patiently yet passive-aggressively explaining exactly what is wrong with the outlook of those around you. Repeat until you “feel seen.”


He Who Shall Not Be Named

• Misc. liquor/liqueur

• One large bag Cheetos

Initiate news blackout. Pour an inch or two (or three) of each available liquor/liqueur into pint glass, jar, or any other receptacle. Lack wherewithal to stir, much less shake. Drink accompanied by Netflix and entire bag of Cheetos, eaten one by one while studiously avoiding looking at them, lest any be anthropomorphic.


Climate Change

• One large ice cube, carved into sphere

• 18 oz. gin

Set ice aside. Drink room-temperature gin slowly while feeling helpless. Try not to picture a polar bear swimming and swimming and swimming because there is nowhere to go.



•1 nation, divided

•1 ascendant demagogue

•1 fresh alliance of dictators

•Sprinkling of military parades

Shake first three ingredients well. Garnish with militarism. Serve in a pit of despair.

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